How a fear of judgement affects our confidence and what we can do about it

We are hardwired to judge. Judgement is a natural part of our survival mechanism and the desire for respect, a fundamental human motive.  Harvard psychologist Amy Cuddy, has discovered that when we judge, we are assessing two things:

Can I trust this person?  If we feel safe around the person, we can relax and be warm and open.  If we sense something is hidden or feels cold and unwelcoming, we protect ourselves.

Can I respect this person?  Does this person have the necessary skills and experience to be an expert in the area we are focusing on?  If we decide not, we distance ourselves and judge other non-related traits more harshly to disengage.  This disconnection from others keeps us from connection and ultimately affects our confidence.

Why judgement becomes problematic

Just as we judge others, we are also always judging ourselves and the harsher our judgement of others, the more harshly we will also be judging ourselves. The need to judge others harshly can stem from a lack of confidence in ourselves, as when we are happy and feeling confident about our abilities, we are less threatened by others and less likely to need to pull them down. It can also be a learnt trait from our childhood, our peers, the society we have grown up in and is often driven by fear on multiple levels.

On the other side of the coin, when we feel judged by others, the real pain comes from believing those judgements to be true.  This is more likely if we have low self-esteem and our mind then starts to filter, delete and distort the information it’s receiving to support the feeling that we are unworthy, setting up a negative thought spiral, all of which affects our confidence.

I work with many clients who feel that fear of judgement and it can have a big impact on their lives; from staying very small, not wanting to be seen or heard for fear of being torn down, to not saying how we really feel for fear of losing friends/family, not setting clear boundaries because we want to be liked, to not trying new things. 

So what do we do?

When you’re working with the fear of being judged, as soon as you notice the feeling of fear, stop.  Take a breath and connect with yourself. 

Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your fear, and asking yourself:

What am I really afraid of?

What’s important about that person’s judgement of me?

What do I believe to be true about that judgement?

What is really true?  Write a list to dispute your fear, tuning into how that fear might be wrong.  

What you need to do/say or think to reframe your fear?

What’s a more helpful thought?

With practice and over time, we can start to create new neural pathways in the brain that help us to focus on what is really true for us.

When we’re judging others

Firstly, notice when we are judging others – without blame -  and check in with ourselves by getting curious and asking:

What’s really going on here?

What am I missing about this situation/this person?

What assumptions am I making?

What else might be true?

How can I support this person by bringing some compassion to my thinking?

This type of thinking engenders kindness and connection and can begin to soften the harsh voice of criticism.